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(The curtains open to reveal the camp with the islanders, Mrs Crusoe, Dee-Dee, Robinson and Susie doing different jobs. Mrs Crusoe takes centre stage.)
Mrs Crusoe: Hello everybody. Do you know, my luck’s changed, Robinson’s returned and he’s got the map. So we can find the treasure and spend the money on new cloths and accessories’ instead of on funeral costs! Everything’s fine, the sun’s out and I’ve got a tan. For once I don’t look like Casper the ghost.
Calypso: Yes you look HOT! You’re like a jacket potato...hot, hot , hot!
Mrs Crusoe: Yes and your bottoms going to be hot, hot, hot when I smack it for being cheeky! (She smacks Calypso’s bum, he screams with excitement.)
Calypso: Oh Mrs Crusoe, you are a naughty devil!
Mrs Crusoe: And you’re a cheeky blighter, now run along. I’m not talking to you after making jokes about how woman talk a lot.
Calypso: (He puts the puppy eyes on.) I was only joking. It was just a little joke. I’m sorry!
Mrs Crusoe: Okay, I forgive you! But you have to do something for me first.
Mrs Crusoe: What?
Mrs Crusoe: Come with me to my Britain’s Got Talent audition.
Calypso: What? You signed up for Britain’s Got Talent?
Mrs Crusoe: Yes. I thought I’d go on and sing for them.
Calypso: Okay I’ll come with you. (To the audience.) Just for the laugh of course. Now Maggie when is your audition?
Mrs Crusoe: Six seconds ago.
Calypso: Well come on then, get jogging.
(The curtains close and the pair of them start jogging on the spot. Then calypso jogs of into the audience to take his seat for the auditions. Spotlight on Mrs Crusoe who stands centre stage.)
Mrs Crusoe: Oh I’m sorry for being late. Hello Amanda, Piers you’re looking gorgeous darling and of course old sour puss in the corner, Simon Cowell. So I’m here today to sing for you. I hope you enjoy it, it’s a little something I made up just last night for you. It’s my version of Alexandra Burke’s ‘Bad Boys’. Here we go.
(The song begins. Mrs Crusoe does some awful dancing and then sings!)
Mrs Crusoe: (She doesn’t sing to the actual song.) 1...2...3...release us. 1...2...3...release us. Yeah, yeah. I said the bad boys, better release me, release me, release you. Come on, release me and release you. We need some mercy, everyone needs some mercy! The bad boys need Mercy, release them, release them now, me must be released, release me. Release you! (The three buzzers all go off at the same time. The song ends.)
Simon: I have never ever heard anything like that in my life!
(The crowds start shouting “off, off, off, off!” Mrs Crusoe exits, Calypso follows. Curtains open to reveal the camp.)
Mrs Crusoe: I’ve never felt so stupid in all my life. (To Calypso.) I hope you didn’t join in with the audiences booing.
Calypso: Of course I did...n’t! I thought you did very well, considering.
Mrs Crusoe: Come on just say it, I was rubbish. I know I was, I forgot the words and so had to improvise. But I didn’t do too bad considering that I only made it up last night. Come on. Let’s go and freshen up. I’m exhausted after that. Let’s go and release ourselves!
Calypso: (As they exit.) Yes, release me, release you, release us. (The pair roar with laughter.)
(Mrs Crusoe and Calypso exit.)
Robinson: So Dee-Dee, what do you want to do? We could go fishing, go rock climbing, have a walk along the beach...make sandcastles, go for a swim....?
Dee-Dee: Do you know what? I think we should just sit here and talk, my mum always said that the answer to a healthy relationship is to talk.
Robinson: Okay then. Let’s talk. (The pair sit-down on a log.) But what do you want to talk about?
Dee-Dee: Well we could talk about the weather, the wind and the rain, or the financial crisis.
Robinson: Eh...the fin-and-ankle crisis? Is that like foot-and-mouth-disease?
Dee-Dee: No, not the fin-and-ankle crisis, (Spelling it out in simple words for Robinson.) the fine-Ann-shell crisis.
Robinson: Oh that. Well I think we better stick with the weather.
Dee-Dee: Ok then. What do you think of the weather here on Banana Island?
Robinson: It’s nice and hot, unlike Buckhaven, but it’s not today, today is one of its cool days.
Dee-Dee: Your right, it’s a bit chilly. Actually I think I’ll need to go and get something warmer to wear.
Robinson: (He makes space beside him on the log.) Snuggle up and keep warm.
(Dee-Dee moves across beside Robinson and the pair keep warm against each other.)
Dee-Dee: Well this is nice!
Robinson: Oh yes it is. Oh...yes...it...is!
Dee-Dee: Oh I almost forgot, I need to go and help Susie bring in the water, she struggled the last time. I need to go.
Robinson: Are you sure you have to go?
Dee-Dee: I have to.
Robinson: Really? Really, really?
Dee-Dee: Really, really!
Robinson: Okay then.
Dee-Dee: I’ll see you later then, buttercup!
Robinson: See you later my blueberry muffin!
Dee-Dee: See you later my...angel-cake!
Robinson: See you later my...honey-bunny!
Dee-Dee: See you later...my strawberry cupcake. Look I’ve got to go. Bye! (She goes to exit then...)
Robinson: No wait, I can come with you. I can help collect the water and carry it back. I’m sure that six hands are better than four.
Dee-Dee: Ok then, come along.
(The pair exit holding hands. Enter Blackheart, Sword and Cutlass.)
Blackheart: Oh hello again boys and girls. As you can see I wasn’t the only person to survive the ship wreck, so did my helpers Sword and Cutlass.
Sword: I, you won’t get rid of me that easily!
Cutlass: I, indeed!
Blackheart: So as you have probably expected we are plotting to steal Robinson’s map and find the treasure before he realises the map has even gone, once again! But he is never alone these days. He’s always with his sweetheart, Dee-Dee. Well I think we may have to get rid of her first. But how? That’s the question. And when? She’s never away from him either.
Sword: We could feed her to the sharks.
Blackheart: What a clever idea. Sword you are so very clever.
(Blackheart walks away slightly and Cutlass turns to Sword.)
Cutlass: There you go again. Stealing my ideas because you’re so stupid you can’t make up your own. I tell you Sword, someday I am going to get you back and you are going to wish that you had never been so cruel to me.
Sword: Is that a promise or a threat? Either way it doesn’t matter, I’m not scared of you!
Cutlass: (Acting tough.) Well you should be you big...ahhh...well...ehhh...turnip!
Sword: (Acting scared.) Ooh no! What will you do to me? (Sarcastically.) I’m so scared! I’m quaking in my boots! Aaaah!
(Sword runs off pretending to cry.)
Cutlass: (To the audience.) Ooh I wasn’t too mean was I?
Sword: (Returns onto the stage.) No way! You’re not scary one bit! I’m surprised that you are even a pirate.
Cutlass: (Quietly.) So Am I.
Blackheart: I don’t think the idea of feeding Dee-Dee to sharks will work. There are no sharks around here! I think the best option would be to kidnap her, get the map from Robinson and then make her show us the way to the treasure.
Cutlass: Great idea Blackheart. That will really work. Sword and I can kidnap Dee-Dee and you can get the map from Blackheart.
Blackheart: Everyone know the plan?
Sword/Cutlass: I, I Cap’in!
Blackheart: Come on then, let’s kidnap Dee-Dee.
All: Ha ha ha!
(All exit. Enters Dee-Dee, Robinson and Susie with the water.)
Susie: Phew! A seat at last! The water seems to get heavier and heavier each day.
Dee-Dee: That’s because you’re carrying two buckets today because one was too heavy for Robinson to carry. (She coughs.) Weakling!
Robinson: Ha ha, very funny. I can’t help I have...
Robinson: Yeah...but...no...but yeah!
Dee-Dee: Right we better get this back to the camp. Come on. The quicker we do it the longer we have to rest.
(Robinson and Susie get up and exit, but Dee-Dee drops her bucket so stops to pick it up.)
(Enter Sword and Cutlass.)
Sword: Hello Dee-Dee. We are Blackheart’s minions; Robinson has probably told you all about us. And we are here to...well...em...bargain with you. You see we need you to help Blackheart get to the place where the treasure is buried.
Dee-Dee: And let me guess. You’re going to kidnap me? Yes? (Sword and Cutlass nod.) Well not on your nelly. Here, take this!
(Dee-Dee picks up the bucket and throws the water all over Sword and Cutlass.)
Cutlass: Get her!
(Sword and Cutlass run after Dee-Dee and after a struggle, grab her.)
Cutlass: Blackheart will be so pleased. Ha ha ha.
Sword: Come along then Dee-Dee, you’re ours now!
(Sword and Cutlass drag Dee-Dee off. Enters Robinson.)
Robinson: Dee-Dee? Dee-Dee? Where are you? Oh Dee-Dee? (A hooded figure appears at the side of the stage.) Is that you Dee-Dee?
Blackheart: No it’s not. (He takes off the cloak.) It’s me, Blackheart!
Robinson: What are you doing here? You’re dead!
Blackheart: Doesn’t look like it, does it? Now Robinson, you have something I want so very much. Now if you give me it now there will be no more hassle for yourself, but if you refuse then I will be forced to hurt your little girlfriend!
Robinson: No, not Dee-Dee. Don’t you dare touch her!
Blackheart: Oh I won’t, just give me the map.
Robinson: No, I won’t. I can’t...
Blackheart: (Getting angry.) Just give it to me! NOW!!
(Blackheart charges at Robinson, he grabs the map from Robinson’s pocket, pushes him to the floor and runs off.)
Robinson: No. Blackheart’s got Dee-Dee and the map. I need to get them both back... and quick!
(Robinson exits. Blackout.)
Scene 3: The Islanders Camp
Characters: Robinson, Sparkle, Mrs Crusoe, Calypso, Zara and Alice
(The curtains open to reveal the islanders camp. The islanders, Mrs Crusoe, Calypso, Alice and Zara are sitting about talking and doing their duties.)
Mrs Crusoe: Do you think we’ll ever get home?
Calypso: I don’t know, we could, I mean we have enough wood to build a new boat.
Zara: I don’t have a place called “home”. I move about a lot.
Mrs Crusoe: So you’re a gy...sorry I nearly said a bad word there. I have to politically correct. What I meant to say was, so you’re one of these “travelling folk”?
Zara: No. I just don’t have enough money to pay for rent so when it’s due I run away to somewhere else and don’t pay for rent there!
Mrs Crusoe: I know how I’m saving money when I get home!
Alice: I don’t really want to go home. I’ve seen the wilder side of life and like it that way. I like helping Calypso around the ship, though, I would miss that.
Calypso: I guess we don’t have to go home. I mean, Robinson will probably stay here with Dee-Dee and well that would give us all an excuse to stay. (As Robinson enter.) Oh speak of the devil!
Mrs Crusoe: Did you find Dee-Dee because Susie told us that she had disappeared?
Robinson: (Out of breath.) No...! Well...yes, but...B-b-b. Blackheart came along...,he’s not dead...and he...em...well...stole the map...and took Dee-Dee as well.
Alice: So Dee-Dee’s been taken hostage by Blackheart?
Alice: (In a stage whisper.) Yes, now’s my chance to get with Robinson! (Zara elbows Alice from one side and Calypso from the other.) Oi!
Calypso: And you say that he’s got the map too?
Robinson: Yes, he stole it from me. I tried to get it back but it was not use.
Mrs Crusoe: Oh no, we’ll never be able to get the treasure now!
Calypso: Right let’s all calm down and think of a plan. Come on, sit down and think.
Mrs Crusoe: We could tie Blackheart to a drifting piece of wood and send him out to sea!
Robinson: And how’s that going to help?
Mrs Crusoe: Or we could...
Robinson: It’s okay mum, you keep that thought to yourself.
Mrs Crusoe: But you never let me finish. I was going to say...
Robinson: It’s fine mum. It’s no use, I’ve lost the treasure and I’ve lost Dee-Dee. What am I going to do? (Robinson sits down and knocks over a rock; underneath is a piece of paper.) What’s this? (He reads it.) I don’t believe it! Ah ha ha. I thought I’d lost you.
Zara: is he going crazy, he’s talking to a piece of paper?
Robinson: It’s not just a piece of paper, it’s the map!
Robinson: It’s the map, the treasure map. When I picked it up this morning I must of picked up a piece of paper instead of the map...
Alice: So you’ve got the real map and Blackhearts got nothing more than a silly piece of crummy paper?
Robinson: That’s right!
Mrs Crusoe: (Singing and dancing.) I’m going to be rich, with lots of money! (See’s Robinson.) I mean, you’re going to be rich, with lots of money!
Sparkle: (Speaking very fast.) Oh Robinson, I would have been here quicker but I got stuck in a traffic jam...I mean a shoal of fish, then got stuck behind a shark with tooth ache, and I wasn’t messing with him! Then I got to the beach and tripped and fell, before being pooped on, TWICE, and then breaking a nail after walling into a tree!
Robinson: And you’re point is?
Sparkle: (Really out of breath.) BLACKHEARTS BACK!!
Mrs Crusoe: Dun, dun, dun!
Robinson: We know. I’ve met him already.
Sparkle: Are you alright? He didn’t hurt you?
Robinson: I’m fine but Dee-Dee might not be. You see Blackheart kidnapped Dee-Dee and stole then map, which wasn’t actually the map but a piece of paper. Anyway, he planned to use Dee-Dee to help him find the locations on the map. I don’t know what he’ll do next!
Sparkle: Well, we have to get the treasure and use it as bate with Blackheart to lure him in. Then grab Dee-Dee and runaway with the treasure! (Like the meerkat from the TV.) Simples!
Robinson: Sounds like a good plan to me. Everybody in?
Robinson: Great, let’s get the map and go.
Sparkle: Oh Robinson, I have to go. I’ve been out the water for some time now and well I’m dehydrated and if it gets worse my scales and nails will crinkle and I’ll looks like a right prune in the morning.
Alice: (in a stage whisper.) You already do!
Robinson: That’s okay Sparkle you get back to the water. We’ll go and find the treasure and find you once we are done.
Sparkle: Okay, I’ll see you all soon, bye!
(Sparkle exits. Robinson picks up the map and gets ready to go.)
Robinson: Right, let’s get a move on, we’ve got treasure to find, pirates to trick and Dee-Dee to rescue. (Nobody moves.) Come on, get a move on! What’s wrong with you lot today?
Mrs Crusoe: We’ve not had a great sleep. Did you not here the wind in the trees? Oh wait you wouldn’t have (Getting angry.) because of you’re very...VERY...VERY loud snoring. It kept everyone up!
Robinson: Em...sorry. But can you not find strength to help me find Dee-Dee and get the treasure?
Calypso: We’d love to help but, me and you’re mum aren’t getting any older. All this exercise tires us out.
Alice: I’m knackered too! Dee-Dee snoring is as bad as your! (Alice copies what Dee-Dee sounds like.)
Zara: Maybe they are a match made in heaven?
Robinson: I’m sorry if Dee-Dee and I have been keeping you all up. I’m sorry.
Alice: No, I’m sorry Robinson. We’re all being very selfish and only think of ourselves because we’re tired. Well you’ll be the one won’t be able to sleep when Blackheart forces Dee-Dee to marry him and uses the treasure to buy the world! So come on, all of you, get up off of your backside and get moving we’ve got treasure to look for and Dee-Dee to save!
Calypso: You’re right Alice. I know I’m not getting any younger and the exercise will probably be the end of me, we need to save Dee-Dee!
Zara: I agree. Come on Mrs C. Move your butt-e! (She looks at Mrs Crusoe who is in a very deep sleep, but looks dead.) Mrs Crusoe...hello...Mrs Crusoe, oh that rhymes! Mrs C. Are you okay? Oh no she’s...
Mrs Crusoe: (Wakes up quickly.)...trying to get 40 winks. All I want is a bit of sleep, but can’t because of you! No w leave me alone.(Everyone else leaves in search of the treasure. Mrs Crusoe closes her eyes and goes back to sleep.) Right, it’s too quiet, what are you up too? (She opens her eyes.) When I said leave me alone I didn’t mean it literally. Oi, wait for me!
(Mrs Crusoe exits.)
Scene 4: On View Point Hill/In Dead Man’s Cave
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