Scene 2: Calypso’s Study/Outside Calypso’s Study

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(Lights flicker and there is a puff of smoke. Enters Sparkle the Magical Mermaid.)

Sparkle: Hello. I’m Sparkle the Magical Mermaid. I’ve been watching that evil Blackheart for some time now and I have heard of his evil plan to destroy young Robinson’s chances of becoming rich. Well as you can see I am a mermaid, but really I am just a human girl locked inside the body of a fish. Blackheart imprisoned me like this many years ago. So I have a personal score to settle with Blackheart. But when he turned me into a fish something went wrong and I also gained the power to do ‘spells’. So using these magical powers I shall help Robinson get rid of the evil Blackheart for once and for all, but I need your help also. So Will you help me boys and girls? (Audience reaction.) So now all of you are on my side I will consult Robinson and see if he too will help me to defeat Blackheart. I shall see you soon boys and girls. See you soon!

(She waves goodbye and exits.)

Scene 2: Calypso’s Study/Outside Calypso’s Study

Calypso, Alice, Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass and Sparkle

(The curtain opens to reveal a small study with a book shelf, large desk and a set of drawers. Captain Calypso is sitting at his desk writing something with a quail pen.)

(Enters Alice.)

Calypso: (Though still focused on the piece of paper he lifts his head to look at Alice.) Oh hello Alice what can I do you for?

Alice: It’s Robinson Crusoe. He’s asking if it would be possible to speak to you right away.

Calypso: Tell him to come in then.

(Alice exits then escorts Robinson back in, she then stands beside Calypso’s desk.)

Robinson: (To Calypso.) Captain Calypso, sorry to bother you but do you know where a place called Banana Island is?

Calypso: Banana Island? Banana Island? A yes, a lovely little place, it’s a small tropical island in the Caribbean; it’s very beautiful and only has a small population of people. It has a large variety of plants, birds and insects. It has lovely golden beaches with palm tree surroundings. The people live in little wooden huts and hunt for their food in the forest areas and in the depths of the sea. There is some wonderful sites to see on the island like Tikk Tikki Hill and Dead Man’s Cross.

Robinson and Alice: That sounds great!

Calypso: And why do you ask?

Robinson: Well...

Calypso: I can see this is going to get complicated...

Robinson: ...My father was left a map by the Pirate Long John Silver in his will. The map shows the way to where there is buried treasure on Banana Island. Silver told my dad to use the money to buy an engagement ring for my mum, but he didn’t. He left the map so that any son or daughter they would have together could become rich. So the map was left for me. So now I want to find the treasure and become rich. Would it be possible for you to take us there?

Calypso: Yes of course. You can use my ship. You can, as long as I get something in return. A little payment, a year’s supply of jelly beans...

(Enters Mrs Crusoe.)

Alice: Oh no!

Mrs Crusoe: You can have me you old sea dog, (getting saucy) we can make ripples, waves...

Robinson: (Abruptly.) Alright mum, we get the picture.

Calypso: You can rock my boat any day Mrs Crusoe...

Robinson: ...Now hold on a minute! I don’t want to know the details! (To Calypso) You’re worse than her! And any way, back to business. So when can we start our voyage?

Calypso: We shall set sail this afternoon.

Mrs Crusoe: In that case we’ll need a lot of bug spray. I hate flies, midges, wasps, bees, snails, slugs, dragonflies, hornets, short, all bugs and insects!

Calypso: The island is not short of bugs and creepy crawlies. Are you sure you want to go?

Robinson/Mrs Crusoe: YES!

Calypso: You are sure you want to become rich, it’s just that you have never had a great deal of money. And when you get your hands on it you may not know what to spend it on.

Robinson/Mrs Crusoe: YES!

Calypso: Well I’ll see you in an hour down at the harbour.

Mrs Crusoe: So how long will it take us to get to the island and to find the treasure and get back home?

Calypso: Up to about ten months, no less than six.

Mrs Crusoe: What? But I’ll miss the final of the X-Factor and I won’t get to see what happens in Eastenders, Emmerdale, Coronation Street, Neighbours or Home and Away! I don’t think Sky Plus can record that amount of episodes!

Robinson: We don’t even have Sky Plus!

Mrs Crusoe: What Am I to do?

Calypso: Miss them!

Mrs Crusoe: But what happens if Bianca and Ricky are killed in a hail storm over Christmas with Morgan, Tiffany and Liam left as orphans while Whitney runs away, pregnant, with Phil Mitchell’s baby and the only person to look after the Jackson kids is Carol who will turn them into little sour faced, nosey little children. Or what if in Coronation Street Roy turns out to be women meaning that Hayley and him are actually a straight couple and not a man and a sex change. Or what if...

Robinson: ...all the soaps are cancelled and everyone ends up dying in Walford, Weatherfield, Erinsborough, Summer Bay and Emmerdale! Yupee!

Mrs Crusoe: If that happened then at least I’ve still got Casualty and The Bill! Oh not wait a minute I don’t, because those stupid idiots at ITV axed it. Well heres a present for yah, you money wasting plonkers (She holds up her hand, ready to give them a rude hand gesture.)...

Robinson: ...Not in front of the kids! Now anyway Calypso, thank you and I will see you down at the harbour in an hour. I’ll go and pack.

(Robinson exits.)

Mrs Crusoe: I’ll see you soon big boy! (She blows him a kiss, then exits.)

Calypso: Tell the rest of the crew to get the ship ready as I have a lady coming aboard.

Alice: Yes sir. Do you wish me to pack your bags? It’s just that you are very busy right now and you may not have time to pack.

Calypso: Yes that would be wonderful; you’re such a helpful person Alice.

Alice: Thank you Calypso. Would you like me to pack your teddy bear?

Calypso: Of course. Cabin Boy Mc Cuddles goes everywhere. Do you know I have had him for over fifty years and he’s been to Peru, Australia, France, Spain, Portugal, Africa, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Poland and the Netherlands!

Alice: I see that he is a keen explorer just like you.

Calypso: Oh yes. He’s been in the rainforest, the Sahara desert, up Mount Etna and largo Law.

Alice: Isn’t that wonderful! I shall not forget to pack him then. And I will pack your shorts; it looks like we are going to get some good weather.

Calypso: Thank you Alice, you’re a real star! I shall see you at the docks in an hour. Oh and could you tell Gaston the chef to cook us a three course meal for tonight and tell him to wear the brightest whitest clothes he owns.

Alice: I will do Calypso. Anything else?

Calypso: Oh no, that will be everything thank you. See you later, bye.

Alice: Bye Calypso.

(Alice exits and Captain Calypso carries on writing.)

(Curtains close on Calypso’s study. Follow spots on Blackheart, Sword and Cutlass as they enter through the audience.)

Blackheart: Hello again boys and girls. We were just heading to the harbour to stop the Crusoe’s ship from leaving so that we can get out hands on the treasure before they do. And don’t even think of trying to get in our way, or we may have take you captive and throw you overboard from our ship. Ha ha ha. How amusing! Now do we have everything we need to sink the ship with? Sword do you have the hammer?

Sword: Yes sir (Sword runs to the wings and brings on a large inflatable hammer). It’s right here.

Blackheart: What on earth. It’s massive...and inflatable.

Sword: Well at least it will make a big hole in the wall.

Cutlass: Bring on the wall!

Sword/Cutlass: 3...2...1.

Blackheart: Stop. We don’t have time for this; if we don’t hurry, we will never sabotage the Crusoe’s plans and get our hands on all that treasure.

Sword: Sorry Cap’in.

Blackheart: Did you remember the disguises Cutlass?

Cutlass: Yes I did (he runs in to the wings and brings on three ladies dresses). Here they are.

(Cutlass holds the dresses up, Blackheart is shocked and Sword giggles with laughter.)

Blackheart: What the. Cutlass do you know that you are such a useless pirate. You’ve taken the wrong disguises. They’re for sneaking to the bingo on a Friday night. Sword and I will keep going to delay the Crusoe’s and you get back to the ship and bring the right disguises this time. And Hurry up!

(Blackheart Exits.)

Cutlass: You did this. You swapped the proper disguises for theses ones. Didn’t you? (Sword nods his head.) One of these days I am really going to...

Sword: ...Watch it this is a family pantomime. As Blackheart always says ‘the better pirate is...

Cutlass: ...the better bully’. What a load of old tripe. I’ll get you back someday. You take the credit for what I do all the time. While your drinking liquor, I’m making dinner and while you’re eating pies, I’m baking more pies! Well not anymore!

Sword: Is that a threat?

Cutlass: No it’s a promise. One of these days I am going to get you back.

Sword: Ooooooooooh...!

(Cutlass exits the opposite side from Blackheart. Sword sticks his tongue out at Cutlass.)

Cutlass: (From offstage.)I saw that.

Sword: Huh. Am I bovered? Face bovered? NO!

(Sword exits the same way as Blackheart. Lights flicker, puff of smoke, enters Sparkle.)

Sparkle: Hello everyone. How are you all doing? Are you ok? (Audience reaction) Good! Well as usual I’ve been watching from afar. Looking down on you all through my magical mirror, I have seen many things. Like the man in the third row picking his nose, the women in the fifth row who spat her chewing gum into the person in front of hers hood and the old lady in the back row is checking her eyelids. Anyway I’ am just off to see Robinson who is ready to set sail onboard Captain Calypso’s ship. I just hope Blackheart’s plan to sink the ship fails. We will just have to wait and see. Cheerio boys and girls!

(Exits Sparkle.)

(Enters Cutlass the same way he exited with the proper disguises in his hands.)

Cutlass: Oh hello boys and girls. I found the right disguises in the end. I just wish Sword would stop being so horrible. He’s like Jedward, useless and totally annoying. Well I better get a move on, (Sarcastically.) wouldn’t want Blackheart to get angry. Would I?

(Cutlass exits through the opposite wings from which he entered.)

(Curtains open to reveal the ship.)

Scene 3: All Aboard! (At The Docks)

Characters: Captain Calypso, Mrs Crusoe, Robinson, Alice, Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass, townsfolk and sailors

(Curtains open, the SS Thinking can be seen in the harbour behind where Mrs Crusoe and Calypso are standing. Sailors are boarding the ship. The silence is broken by Mrs Crusoe’s terrible laugh.)

Mrs Crusoe: (laughing very loudly at the punch line of Captain Calypso’s joke.) Bear bottom. Oh what a funny joke. You are so funny Calypso. You really are. Oh ho ho ho!

Calypso: Do you know I used to dance. Ballet...

Mrs Crusoe: (Laughing loudly.) That’s so funny. You doing ballet. I don’t think so! Ah ha ha! (Holding her pants.) I think I’ve just weed.

Calypso: It went something like this... (Calypso does a ballet dance but trips and then falls to the ground. There is another outburst from Mrs Crusoe.)

Mrs Crusoe: I used to dance you know. (Pointing to one leg.) With this leg I did Highland dancing and (Pointing at the other.) with this leg I did Tap dancing and between the two I made a fortune!

Calypso: (He laughs.) Oh that’s enough carrying on for today. Where is Robinson we’re about to set sail.

(Enters Robinson. He fashions a massive pair of sunglasses.)

Mrs Crusoe: There you are Robinson.

Calypso: What on earth is that on your face?

Robinson: Oh no. I’ve not got a boil again?

Mrs Crusoe: Yeah you have, a Susan Boyle! (She bursts out laughing; Calypso tries to not laugh but ends up letting out a massive roar of laughter also.)

Calypso: I was on about those massive Elton John shades on top of your nose.

Robison: It’s my new pair of stylish sun glasses from Argos.

Mrs Crouse: Should have gone to Specsavers!

Calypso: Listen we must get a move on. If we don’t leave soon we will never get to Banana Island till next Saturday. Well everyone aboard. We’re leaving in ten minutes.

Alice: (Shouting loudly.) All aboard please the ship shall be leaving in ten minutes.

(Robinson takes a seat at the front of the stage and reads a book, while Mrs Crusoe and Calypso talk and Alice helps get everything going onto the ship in order.)

Calypso: Come on then Maggie, all aboard. Time to hit the high seas.

Mrs Crusoe: I hope you mean the musical notes.

Calypso: No I mean the seas, as in the ocean, on the boat.

Mrs Crusoe: I’ve just remembered I get sea sick! I hope you’ve got a big bucket?

Alice: (Passes Mrs Crusoe a bucket.) Will this do?

Mrs Crusoe: (Like Churchill.) Oh Yes!

(Mrs Crusoe gags and is about to be sick, when Alice realises there is a hole in the bucket.)

Alice: Oh no!

(Alice darts forward IN SLOW MOTION and grabs the bucket from Mrs Crusoe’s hand and swaps it for another one. Then Mrs Crusoe is sick in the bucket with no hole in it and the speed goes back to normal.)

Mrs Crusoe: Thank goodness for that. I was nearly sick all over the boys and girls. Even though I feel sick I still have to board the ship and help Robinson get the treasure. Right come on then Cap’in.

(Mrs Crusoe and Calypso exit. Alice moves and sits beside Robinson. Blackheart, Sword and Cutlass enter behind all the villagers in sailor’s outfits.)

Blackheart: (To the audience) Sssh! We’re in disguise as sailors. Don’t destroy our plans or else!

Sword: I think it’s very convincing. We blend right in.

Blackheart: Come on then boys. It’s time to be sailors, not pirates. Sailors!

Sword/Cutlass: Aye Cap’in.

(Blackheart, Sword and Cutlass exit onto the ship.)

(Robinson takes hold of Alice’s hands.)

Robinson: Alice. There’ Something I’ve been meaning Ask you about. You see I wondered if you would...

Alice: ....Yes!

Robinson: Yes what?

Alice: Yes, I’ll go out with you.

Robinson: No, no...NO! I was wondering if you would help me read this book. You see I can’t read well and this book is really hard to read. It’s called ‘The Hungry Caterpillar’...

Alice: (Sarcastically.) Oh that’s a very hard book to read. I would help you but I have Read my book.

Robinson: And what is it about?

Alice: It’s a book by Daniel Defoe and it’s based on a man called Alexander Selkirk and his life after a shipwreck that leaves him stranded on a deserted island.

Robinson: Oh I hope that doesn’t happen to us.

Alice: I’m sure it won’t. That sort of thing only happens in movies, books...

Robinson: ...pantomimes!

Alice: Good thing this isn’t a pantomime then.

Robinson: Alice. See a minute ago when you said you would go out with me. Where you telling the truth?

Alice: Of course I was. I wouldn’t lie to you.

Robinson: Oh...well. In that case, would you...

Alice: Snog you? Yes definitely...(She throws herself at Robinson and they are about to kiss when Calypso enters.)

Calypso: Alice! Robinson!

Alice/Robinson: (Embarrassed.)Yes Calypso?

Calypso: Everyone is onboard, so come on it’s time to set sail.

Alice: Let’s go then. Do you know I never tire of sailing. I get tired of all the pirates we meet but I don’t think there will be any on this route.

Blackheart: (poking his head out form on the ship.) That’s what she thinks! (He disappears again.)

Alice: Let’s go then. (She looks at Robinson who is still frozen in shock after Alice’s big move.) Robinson? Oh Robinson. I’ll have to kiss you again...(Robinson stands straight up and quickly exits.) Come on. Wait a minute. I’m only short!

(Alice exits.)

Calypso: (From offstage.) Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard the SS Thinking. We hope you enjoy your voyage with us today and please make a purchase from our onboard shop. Please enjoy our voyage. And thank you for travelling with Easy Jet! Em...err...over and out... (There’s a crackle as he switches off the intercom.)

Mrs Crusoe: (From offstage.) You sound so sexy over the intercom Calypso. As good as Piers Morgan in a bikini! Oh no sorry, Piers Brosnan.

Alice: (From offstage.) I think you’d sound sexy over the intercom Robinson. Just as sexy as you look! If not even more...Eh where are you going?

Robinson: (From offstage.) Mum tell Calypso to halt the ship. I’ve forgotten to bring on my suitcase. (He returns back on stage.) Oh thank goodness for that. I just had to get away from Alice. She’s frying my brain!

Sparkle: (From offstage.) Robinson. Robinson.

Robinson: (Quietly.) Uh oh, it’s Alice. (He turns round to speak to the voice.) Ali...

Sparkle: I am not Alice, Robinson. I am Sparkle the Magical Mermaid.

(Sparkle enters. Her tail is long and large. Robinson can’t take his eyes off of it.)

Robinson: Your...your...your...

Sparkle: A mermaid.

Robinson: Wow! Are you for real? That’s not some silly costume from a joke shop?

Sparkle: No, it’s not a costume. Well it is...but while I’m on stage it’s real.

Robinson: Can I touch it?

Sparkle: Yes.

(Robinson touches Sparkle’s tail.)

Sparkle: Now that we are over the whole “Wow” thing, Robinson, I have something to say and it is very important.

Robinson: Okay then. Spit it out. Or should I say, blub it out. (He does an impression of a fish.)

Sparkle: I’m not a fish Robinson. Well not fully. Anyway, here’s what I have to tell you. You see, an evil pirate overheard you speaking about the treasure you are in search of and he too is after it. He heard you say where to find it and is now, as we speak, onboard your ship. He is trying to stop you from reaching Banana Island so he can get the treasure.

Robbinson: Well we better get him off of the ship. Securi...

Sparkle: No, I think we should let him stay onboard for now. But then throw him overboard, when it’s deep enough, so he can drown.

Robinson: What an excellent plan.

Sparkle: I don’t think we should confront him now as he may get angry and do something stupid. He wants the treasure really badly, he would even sink the ship to get his hands on it. But I’m sure it won’t come to that! (She looks into the audience and says sarcastically...) That’s never going to happen! Is it?

Robinson: Then we shall let him stay on the ship until we reach a shark prone area and then I myself will boot him overboard. Oh and why exactly do you want to help?

Sparkle: Blackheart, the pirate who is trying to get your money, is someone I met many years ago. He turned me into a mermaid after I foiled one of his evil plans. Now I want to get rid of him and become a human again.

Robinson: Then I shall help you. Come on then, onto the ship.

Sparkle: My ability to live without water only lasts a short time Robinson. I shall swim beside the boat. That way I won’t shrivel up like a prawn. Now listen, Blackheart is wearing (describes what Blackheart is wearing) and he has two minions with him wearing the same things. Good luck! I shall see you on the Island.

(Sparkle exits as Alice comes off of the boat.)

Alice: Come on Robinson. Everyone’s waiting. Have you got your suitcase?

Robinson: It was on the ship after all.

(The pair exit but as they do Robinson mimes “Help Me” to the audience.)
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