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A swashbuckling pirate pantomime
By Scott Ringan
Written For Buckhaven Youth Theatre (2010)
Robinson Crusoe Our hero
Mrs Maggie Crusoe Our hero’s silly mum
Blackheart, the Pirate The evil villain
Captain Arthur Calypso The ship’s captain
Sparkle the Magical Mermaid Our hero’s finned helper
Dee-Dee Our hero’s true love
Zara Pineapple Our hero’s secret admirer
Sword The villain’s twisted sidekick
Cutlass The Villain’s nicer sidekick
Alice Smith Our hero’s other secret admirer
Gaston D’acampo The all-singing, all-dancing Italian chef on the Crusoe’s ship
Susie One of the Islanders
Prologue: Blackhearts Cabin
Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass, Zara, Snout, Muck and Pirate Crew
Scene 1: A Street In Buckhaven
Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Sparkle, Blackheart, Captain Calypso, Alice and Townsfolk
Scene 2: Calypso’s Study/Outside Calypso’s Study
Calypso, Alice, Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass and Sparkle
Scene 3: All Aboard! (At The Docks)
Captain Calypso, Mrs Crusoe, Robinson, Alice, Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass, townsfolk and sailors
Scene 4: On The Deck Of The SS Thinking
Mrs Crusoe, Robinson, Captain Calypso, Alice, Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass, Zara, Gaston and sailors
Scene 5: In The Deep Near Banana Island
Sparkle, Calypso, Mrs Crusoe, Robinson, Alice, Zara and Gaston
Scene 6: The Shore Of Banana Island
Calypso, Mrs Crusoe, Robinson, Blackheart, Dee-Dee, Sparkle, Susie, Sword, Cutlass and the Islanders
Scene 1: Sparkle’s Secret Underwater Cove
Sparkle, Robinson, Dee-Dee, Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass, Alice and Zara
Scene 2: The Islanders Camp/Another Part Of The Island
Dee-Dee, Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Calypso, Susie, Blackheart, Sword and Cutlass
Scene 3: The Islanders Camp
Robinson, Sparkle, Mrs Crusoe, Calypso, Zara and Alice
Scene 4: On View Point Hill/In Dead Man’s Cave
Sword, Cutlass, Blackheart and Dee-Dee
Scene 5: Outside/Inside The Treasure Room
Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Calypso, Sword, Cutlass, Blackheart, Dee-Dee, Alice and Zara
Scene 6: On The Beach
Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Calypso, Cutlass, Dee-Dee, Alice, Zara, Sparkle, Gaston and the Islanders
Scene 7: The Wedding
Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Calypso, Sword, Cutlass, Blackheart, Dee-Dee, Alice, Zara, Sparkle, Gaston the Islanders
Scene 8: The Finale (King Of The Island!)
Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Calypso, Sword, Cutlass, Blackheart, Dee-Dee, Alice, Zara, Sparkle, the Islanders and Gaston
Robinson/Mrs Crusoe: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please take your seats for today’s performance of Robinson Crusoe. May we remind you that the use of recording equipment is strictly prohibited! May we also remind you to please switch of any mobiles phones as they can distract the actors and other members of the audience and will spoil your enjoyment of the show. So please sit back, relax and get ready to set sail with Robinson and the gang on this all singing, all dancing pantomime.
Act I Prologue: Blackhearts Cabin
Characters: Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass, Zara, Snout, Muck and Pirate Crew
Song 1/ Instrumental
(Blackheart, Sword, Cutlass and other crew members, enter. Follow spot on Blackheart, who starts to pace back and forth examining the audience.)
Blackheart: Ha ha ha! Well done men. The SS Leven has left and is sailing to sea with no captain and is bound to sink! Ha ha ha! (Noticing the audience) Hello everybody, I am Blackheart the pirate. You may have heard of me, I have been in the East Fife Mail for robbery, sinking ships and running over an old lady (audience reaction). You might think I’m bad, actually you know I’m bad, I’m bad, I’m really really bad. Anyway, I have a reason for being bad. I am of course a pirate and who ever heard of a sissy-pirate? Oh yes, I know of some; Captain Pugwash, Captain Hook...Smee!
Sword: ...bless you!
Blackheart: Oh you’re such an idiot. My crew and I are searching for treasure. You see, for a long time I have been looking for the map to the long lost hidden treasure of Long John Silver. It is said the treasure is on an island unknown to all except the great pirate that discovered it, Long John himself. He settled on the island with his civilian wife and for many years they had the island to themselves. But after a few nights of the rough and tumble, the population of the island increased from two people to nine. Two boys, five girls...
Cutlass: Then Silver decided that he had had enough of the island and wanted to go back home. So he and his family packed everything up and got ready to leave. But then, while they were playing in the sand, his children found a treasure chest filled with lots of money. But they felt that the treasure did not belong to them so reburied it. But then they realised that as the island belonged to them the treasure was theirs. But because they had reburied it they now couldn’t find it again...
Sword: Then Silver himself came upon a map to show where the treasure was buried. So they set off after it but suddenly they all came into contact with a deadly source. On his death bed, Silver wrote in his will that the map go to his best friend Frank from the navy. He then died. So no one knows where the island is or where the treasure is buried.
Blackheart: So you see, we have looked through all the records for the navy and there are lots of Franks in it. So for the last sixteen years my crew and I have been searching for these Franks. But unfortunately some of them have died before we can get to them and some have moved on. So we visit the family instead. And the last Frank on our list is called; Frank Crusoe. He lives near here in Buckhaven. LIVED near here! He died a few years back.
(Enter two crew members holding a girl who looks like a pirate and has two guns/bazookas hanging from her belt.)
Cutlass: Sir, Muck and Snout have found a captive...
Sword: (getting excited) ...it’s a girl! Whoopee!
Zara: Oi! Get your hands off of me you smelly man. When was the last time you had a shower?
Sword: It’s a girl and a feisty one at that!
Blackheart: Oh good we’re always in need of a lady onboard the ship. (Pointing at himself) A man needs a woman in his life...
Zara: Oh, where’s this man you’re on about? I don’t see one.
Blackheart: Oh I see you’re a little cheeky. A few days with my men will sort that out.
Blackheart: Now leave me alone right now. I have some pirate things to deal with.
Zara: And what do you mean by ‘pirate things’?
Blackheart: Well. Stealing gold and jewels and raiding places...We do things like our fellow long gone pirates did. We follow in their footsteps. We copy what they use to do, survive how they use to survive!
Zara: (Sarcastic.) So your pirate copies?!
Blackheart: Oh be quiet you silly irritating girl.
Zara: So what other pirate things do you do on a ship full of male pirates?
Sword: Play poker. (Others shout ‘Aye’.)
Cutlass: Play Jenga. (Others shout ‘Aye’.)
Sword: Play pool. (Others shout ‘Aye’.)
Cutlass: Play darts. (Others shout ‘Aye’.)
Zara: Play infront of a bus (Others shout ‘Aye’ but it fades quickly to an ‘Aaah’.)
Blackheart: Sword, Cutlass take her to the ship’s kitchen and make sure she starts on my supper. Otherwise, if she does not obey, push her into the salty depths of the Forth and make sure she drowns. Ha ha ha.
Sword: I Sir! Is it your usual for supper today?
Blackheart: Yes. I’m in the mood...
Zara: ...for dancing...
Blackheart: ...no, I’m in the mood for deep... fried...starfish! Ha ha ha!
Zara: You evil man! I am not cooking that!
Blackheart: It’s that or cats liver! You decide! (Zara screams loudly, high pitched, the pirates cover their ears)
Blackheart: Snout, Muck, give the girl to Sword and Cutlass, they’ll sort her out. Take her away; I cannot bare her childish voice anymore!
(Snout and Muck give Zara to Sword and Cutlass who drag Zara off.)
Blackheart: Well now we can get on to the subject of getting the treasure map. Listen in crew, tomorrow we will visit the remaining Frank’s house and this must mean that he has the map. So if, for any reason, we do not find the map tomorrow I shall not be happy. Everyone understand?
(Sword and Cutlass enter.)
All: Yes Cap-in!
Blackheart: Very well. Get some rest. And remember that I will not be happy if we...you fail tomorrow. Now go! Snout, has the girl started on my supper? I am very peckish.
Sword: She has not. She disobeyed your orders so as you said we pushed her overboard.
Cutlass: I think she landed on some jellyfish or beside some electric eels. Put it this way, she was lifeless when we left her.
Blackheart: Well done both of you, I am pleased that you obey my orders. As you have been so good Snout and Muck at bringing me a captive, you can have the night off. Oh and since you have been training these pirates (he points towards Snout and Muck.) Sword, you can have the night off too. Cutlass you shall make my supper, don’t keep me waiting!
Cutlass: I Sir. (To Sword in a whisper.)I’ve been training them not you. You’re too busy drinking to do that.
Sword: (In a whisper.) So? I’m still going to take the credit. I always do.
Blackheart: Get a move on lads. Sword, have a good rest. Cutlass, don’t forget the brown sauce with my supper! Bye boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. Tomorrow is the first step to getting everything I want! I shall become the most feared pirate ever to sail the Earth. Have a good sleep everyone, for this is your last night before your nightmares become true. Nya ha ha!
(Blackheart exits, flashes of light as a storm brews.)
Song 1- reprise
(All others exit.)
Scene 1: A Street In Buckhaven
Characters: Robinson, Mrs Crusoe, Sparkle, Blackheart, Captain Calypso, Alice and Townsfolk
(Song ends. All exit, except from Mrs Crusoe.)
Mrs. Crusoe: Hello everybody! (Audience reaction, repeat hello everybody if reaction is poor.) I’m Maggie Crusoe, love expert, Agony Aunt and fashion supreme (seems a bit ironic as she looks like she’s got dressed in the dark!). I live here in the town of sunny Buckhaven with my son, Robinson. It’s only me and him now. Since Frank died. I miss Frank so much (audience reaction). I miss him more that that (audience reaction). Calm down I don’t miss him that much! These past few years have been hard; after Frank died it was all downhill. No I mean it, it really was all downhill, I tripped and fell down Ben Nevis! Anyway, I’ve got my son and I live in a lovely town. There are the nice places to eat, like the Shorehead Cafe, there are lovely aromas to smell, like the sewage plant, and then there’s the nightlife, the flashing blue lights going past as the police are called to yet another murder. And do you know, we even have love in this area. We love our neighbours down in Kirkland so much that we smash their windows in and pelt them with stones.
Robinson: (From off stage.) Mum. Mum!
Mrs Crusoe: Oh here he is (Robinson enters.) my son, Robinson.
Robinson: Hello everybody (Audience reaction).
Mrs Crusoe: So Robinson what is it you wanted? You always want something when you call me like that.
Robinson: Oh nothing. Well actually...I’d like some money.
Mrs Crusoe: What?
Robinson: I said I would like some money.
Mrs Crusoe: What do you want? I can’t hear you.
Robinson: I would like some (Spelling it out.) M-O-N-E-Y.
Mrs. Crusoe: What about a monkey?
Robinson: I said money!
Mrs Crusoe: Well you ain’t getting any of that!
Robinson: Oh but mum, please! To make up for my Birthday, all I got was a pair of holey socks, shoes I had already worn and a bucket with a hole in it. It was a rubbish birthday!
Mrs Crusoe: (Taking him by the ear and speaking angrily.) Robinson Jasper Crusoe, you will never be so ungrateful again or I shall be forced to tan your back-side in front of all the boys and girls!
Robinson: Sorry mum. I’ll never say it again! Please don’t punish me! (Pouting and sniffling.)
Mrs Crusoe: But you have been very naughty young man! Why shouldn’t I?
Robinson: Mum. Please don’t ground me! (Pouts and sniffs very over the top)
Mrs Crusoe: Well... (Robinson cuts in whaling like a baby.)...Oh don’t milk it! Now be quiet Robinson (Robinson immediately silences). And listen, the reason you didn’t get anything for your birthday is because I lost it.
Robinson: You what, Lost it!
Mrs Crusoe: But I have found it again. Now you must listen carefully because this is no ordinary present. You see when your father worked in the navy he met a pirate called Long John Silver. As John only had one eye, when he was asked to fire the cannon, he blew himself up! Now in his will, John left your father a map that showed the way to a lost Island where a mass of treasure is buried. John told your father to use it to buy me an engagement ring. But... (She starts to cry.)...he left the money and proposed to me with a ring from a Christmas cracker. I’m still wearing it (She shows him the ring). I digress, so your father didn’t spend it and left it for any children we would have. So the map is rightfully yours.
Robinson: What? Dad inherited a map and left it for me?
Mrs Crusoe: That’s right.
Robinson: So now I’m rich?
Mrs Crusoe: Well not quite yet...
Robinson: ...But if I find the treasure I will be?
Mrs Crusoe: Yes. And the money or whatever it is, is yours to spend how you like.
Robinson: Cool. Does this mean I can marry a princess, or a Queen?
Mrs Crusoe: Yeah, if you mean the Leven Rose Queen!
Robinson: So it’s real, not just another fairy tale of yours?
Mrs Crusoe: No. It’s real. It’s as real as the Loch Ness Monster (Pause for thought.) Ok bad example!
Robinson: Come on then, pass it over. I want to become rich. Wait a minute, how do you know the map is genuine, that the treasure’s real?
Mrs Crusoe: I just do.
Robinson: How do you know for sure though?
Mrs Crusoe: It doesn’t say MADE IN CHINA on the back! Look I’ll go and get it, just wait here.
(Mrs Crusoe exits.)
Robinson: Hurry up mum. (To Audience) I miss my dad you know. He died when I was seven. Mum said he went to Devon. The next thing I knew he’d gone to heaven (sigh). Well at least he left me all this treasure. If I find the treasure I might even buy my mum a real ring. That’s a big maybe though!
(Mrs Crusoe enters.)
Mrs Crusoe: Right Robinson here is your map (she hands him the scruffy piece of paper).
Robinson: Mum I can’t read anything on here because there’s a big red cross in the way. Does that mean the British Red Cross are on this Island?
Mrs Crusoe: No. The X marks the spot!
Robinson: (Worried.) What spot? Have I got another pimple?
Mrs Crusoe: No the X marks where the treasure is buried!
Robinson: I see. Look it says something in fancy writing at the bottom. “Whoever finds this treasure must use it for the good of mankind. Signed, Long John Silver.”
Mrs Crusoe: Now that proves its real.
Robinson: So if this treasure is real, it means we can leave our council house and live in a proper house, like in Vettriano Vale! So what are we waiting for?
Mrs Crusoe: The next boat to Banana Island.
Mrs Crusoe: That’s where the treasures buried, but I’ve never heard of such a place. I have a feeling that this may actually be a practical joke.
Robinson: Maybe but even though we might not know of such a place, I’m sure that Captain Calypso will of heard of it. He’s a true sea dog.
Mrs Crusoe: Good thinking. He’s got to know where the island is.
Robinson: Well mum, pack your bags, were off to Banana Island. I’ll go and ask Captain Calypso if he can sail us there. See you soon boys and girls!
Mrs Crusoe: This is going to be a great adventure. I know that his birthday wasn’t great but I am sure this will cheer him up and make up for it. Well I better be off and get packing. See you later boys and girls. Bye!
(Mrs Crusoe exits.)
Blackheart: Ha ha ha! What a silly little boy. Now I know who has the map. Now all I need to know is where the treasure is buried and that’s me, ready to get to Banana island before he does. Nya ha ha! (Audience reaction.) Oh be quiet!
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